The Mausoleum Doors

A Fixation with Beauty

23rd-Jun-2008 05:06 pm

I haven't even been up for an hour yet, so I don't know why this is so strong on my mind. Here, have a picture of me to make this post worthwhile =D

I get told off a lot for putting myself down. I've never been my own biggest fan, that's no secret, nor have I ever spared any insult aimed at myself, that's not a secret either.

But, there seems to be this idea that jut because I don't think the best of myself at all times, I must be some kind of festering pit of self loathing. I don't think I'm good looking, nothing special at all. I've never thought I was beautiful or gorgeous or anything like that and I always disagree when my friends tell me that I am. Of course, it's bad form to say OMFG YOUR OPINION IS WRONG, but if I disagree, I disagree.

My issue with this is that just because I don't think I'm amazingly beautiful, I must think that I'm some kind of hideous beast who should feel lucky that people can even bear to look directly at me. Granted, I have occasionally felt this way, but that isn't my predominant mindset and I almost find it offensive that people would think so.

Honestly, is this some kind of reflection of how you think of me?

But why is it that if I don't think I'm a genius, I must think I'm stupid? If I don't think I'm beautiful, I must think I'm ugly? If I don't like something, I have to hate it?

Why can't I just be happy to be mediocre? If I look in the mirror and say, "oh, I'm not the worst looking person I've ever seen." Or, "Eh, not bad." Why does that have to be an insult? I'm happy with that, why can't anyone else be?

What is this obsession with being the best at everything at all times? Even things you can't change? I'm all for learning to get better, for trying to improve, but why can't I be happy with what I have too?

Ugh, anyway. Here, have another picture to ad to your spank bank ~~please don't wank to pictures of me D:~~

I need a hair cut, my split-ends are terrible D:

Comments

23rd-Jun-2008 07:16 pm (UTC)

mercuryneedle

haha! *snaps picture* hon, you are ANYTHING but mediocre! I think also that ugly and good looking are entirely subjective terms. when i say you look beautiful, I mean I THINK that you look beautiful, and sod the world! If we turn this thing on it's head and you say you look beautiful, that does not make you ugly lol!

And as for mediocre or 'normal' britney spears was the idiolised norm look a few years back. perfectly 'beautiful' in her normality. To me, theres nothing more ugly that being normal or 'mediocre' cos that would mean you either A) try hard to be something that society as a whole dictate is 'beautiful' or B) not trying hard to be anything or go anywhere special in life. that includes not trying to be 'just you'.

Too many people ignore the fact that beauty is not a sliding, polarised scale that moves from gorgeous to hideous, but a whole spectrum of ideas and notions. Pretty is not just on the outside.

so when I tell you babes that you are gorgeous, dont disagree wit me or i shall have to get out the poking stick of 99 Pence!! Because what i mean is my opinion and purely my opnion only :P and I CERTAINLY think that you're not mediocre!

... or chronically depressed. you is chilled lady!

PS. ...oh shit, I just came *wipes hand on screen*... haha

23rd-Jun-2008 09:23 pm (UTC)

sim_sima

Oh dude, not on the screen DX

Oh no, I completely agree with you on all points. 45 minutes of sobriety probably doesn't make for the best time to be posting big, long posts on my thoughts. They don't seem to flow coherently.

I think 'mediocre' probably wasn't the best word, now I'm wide awake, it implies a sense of normalcy that I ~~think~~ know I don't possess. A mediocre person is someone who fades into the background and the amount of stares (positive OR negative, whatever) I get whenever I go out means that people most assuredly notice me.

I mean, in retrospect, there's so much I could add to this post. Like the fact that for me, at least, physical beauty and attraction are both fleeting notions. The people I've found the most gorgeous and the most strongly attracted to have always had stunning personalities. If I thought they were good looking before, their physical features were only a nice bonus or enhanced by their personalities. In reverse, some of the most hideous, disgustingly unattractive people I ever met were gorgeous until they started talking.

I mean, I have no right to present the idea that I'm not good looking as a fact. Even if I pitch a fit and say I can because it's my face, I'm no more entitled to my opinion than anyone else. In fact, anyone who claims I'm hideous is both as correct and incorrect as someone who vehemently protests this.

My main protest, right now (because I'm always complaining about something,) is the idea that I'm not allowed to think of myself as just okay-- not bad and not good-- and be okay with that. This idea that if I say, "oh, I'm not that good looking," suddenly it means, "oh god, how can you stand to look at me!? I'm a BEAST!!!"

That's what fucks me off right now.

23rd-Jun-2008 09:34 pm (UTC)

mercuryneedle

i guess the real point is that people seem to have these one way standers so that you are either good/bad no where inbetween. and when you define 'in between good or bad' that suddenly makes good and bad / pretty and ugly ultimatums, which is crap, cos thats a polarised system still, not a spectrum. it leaves no room for "you look like shit but... you have a great personality... and you get it from your mom" kinda stuff. People just too adamantly believe in one way or the other. if you say just 'ok', then it just re-inforces that theres a direct middle point and that good and bad must be complete opposites, thus if you're not one, youre the other.

same reason why art teachers hate us saying 'yeah, this movie was ok' without justification :P

Also, welcome to sobriety babes x

1st-Jul-2008 10:30 pm (UTC)

a-non-e-mouse

Ugh, you hideous beast. Who'd wank to you?

1st-Jul-2008 10:31 pm (UTC)

sim_sima

Hey, you're back! I missed you~ ♥

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